Zzzzt! Zzzzt! Zzzzt!

Corduroy abstract backgroundI’ve never really had a body image “issue.”

This basically means that I’ve been super lucky, as a female.

In the recent past, however, I’ve been dealing with weight, and the inability to lose same. It’s made me search back in my memory banks.

I know in 6th Grade, I got “chunky.”

I know this because I can hear my Mom’s voice in my head saying that. But I had all sorts of other “issues” that I dealt with at that time. As by-far the tallest, most non-athletic, girl in my school (and socially awkward at that), what I weighed was pretty much the least of my worries. And once I got my period, I leaned back out. Ah, hormones . . .

I remember this gal, Angela, from back then. She had legs that “went on for days” – but she was easily a head shorter than I was. I suppose I perhaps had a “body composition problem,” if you mean by that that I always wished I had been put together a bit differently. My legs are actually not that long. Not even “not that long for someone over 6′.” Really – not that long. What’s long on me is my neck (seriously long – like 2″ longer than the average, “parts-wise”), and my torso. If you have shorter legs and a longer torso, you actually look shorter – so people are always shocked to find out how tall I actually am. But back to memories.

I have this memory from high school.

Remember corduroy pants? They were all the rage when I was in high school. And I very specifically remember how important it was that you did not make that “zzzzt zzzzt zzzzt” sound when you walked.

Not that I was in any of (or a main target of) the “Mean Girls-esque” cliques . . . but boy, we had them at my school, and that zzzzt zzzzzt zzzzt sound would call them like mama lions to a kill.

I suppose now that’s “thigh gap.”

…but I personally would have to say that corduroy pants were the worst thing a girl without a “thigh gap” could ever deign to wear. As I said – you don’t even have to see someone, to know. Zzzzzt, zzzzt, zzzzzt.

And here’s the thing.

I specifically remember having one incident with the dreaded zzzzt zzzzt zzzzt in high school. I even remember what hallway I was in.

I’ll say as an aside that this is the sort of thing that nightmares are made of – sometimes I still wake up and have to say to myself “Self, you’re a lawyer, you must have gotten out of high school.”

But it was just that one time.

This is a reminder to my NowSelf that this whole “thigh thing” that I’m dealing with is new. My weight started to creep up after some issues, a hysterectomy, and such back now about 10 years ago. And I don’t feel equipped to deal with it.

I hear folks talk about how they have had “body issues their whole life.” I’m realizing that I really haven’t. I don’t have any memories of issues in college. Not even into law school – back in the days when bagels were considered health food.

And for some reason, this makes me feel better – but I think it’s part of the problem.

Because this issue is so “new” to me (even though it’s now been a stubborn issue for nearly a decade), I don’t really know how to act to make it go away – and I feel that it somehow “shouldn’t be so hard” to address it. I need to change my mindset, and get out of the thought that I am “still” that “thigh gap girl,” who never really had a weight issue. I don’t want to get down on myself, but somehow I have to get real, to get going.

If you haven’t guessed, surprise surprise, I’m on a new program.

More on that in the next blog post.


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