Day 11 – starting to get scared

okay, so today the things I am doing “positively” are:

1. I’m going to walk (so funny just typed “drive” – subliminal desire???) to San Anselmo and get a coffee and walk back, and

2. I’m going to a New Moon with Sue today at 4:00 actually here in Marin (she’s being hosted), and put in the whole “intention” there.

HOWEVER, I’m just scared. Why? Because I’m going to start that Crossfit “thang” tomorrow. And when I was counting down to the Vienna Marathon in March (my 4th in a row), I saw a trainer at Kat’s box personally, 3x/week, to get and feel stronger, and he basically told me I was “all f*cked up.”

I tend to agree, of course. I do know that, because all I’ve really basically done is run for the last year or so, I’ve competely eliminated anything particularly “powerful” or any “fast twitch” or probably even “medium twitch” in my muscle vocabulary.

So, what I’m fairly sure that they will to tomorrow on the first day is what I did with him – (1) 500 meter row (or so) (2) 40 squats (3) 30 situps with the soles of your feet together (4) 20 pushups and (5) 10 pullups. (I’m probably wrong with the numbers, but it was something like that.

I did the row okay. In the squats, he put a huge ball under my butt, and I did them (barely). The situps weren’t so bad. I couldn’t do the pushups at all straight – then he piled up a matt under my knees because going down on my knees hurt so bad – and I could do pushups but my elbows were literally like chicken-wing’ed out from my sides. Though he tried to push my elbows “in line” with my body, that was a complete non-starter.

Yeah, then the pullups. We got to THREE of the elastic bands under my foot to “pull me up” to the band e.g. help me out – still could do I want to say – yeah – like one. The thing was that the elastic bands were so “springy” that I had to hold my abs really tight because if I let them go, my foot would basically spring up to my chest. Lord.

I also had absolutely zero grip. I mean, big surprise – I can’t open a jar – but it was immensely depressing.

He started out that month “imagining” that we would be doing all these various things with the barbell, but we NEVER got there, EVER. I’m kinda choked up right now even typing it. (I refuse to believe that this is the reason that I won’t go back to Kat’s WOD, especially as this guy is the coach at the time I could go – 9:30 a.m. – but I have a feeling it’s likely true.)

I just HAVE to believe that I’m not going to be the WORST. See, that’s my big “quit” thing. If I’m the WORST, I will quit. I can be 2nd to worst…but just not worst.

I’ve been watching Crossfit YouTube videos basically since 6:00 this morning until the battery on my tablet died – we’re talking like (sad! true!) six hours. I could not find ONE video showing super unfit people doing Crossfit. I’m not quite sure why not – you can find ANYTHING on YouTube – but that really didn’t help at all.

Last night I was also seriously starting to freak myself out, so of course I went shopping (!) – I ordered like 4 pair of Chuck Taylor’s from Zappo’s and talked with their online customer service for about half hour because I did something wrong . . . because my bff’s over at GIrls Gone WOD said that you need dead flat shoes for non-running work at Crossfit which TOTALLY makes sense. I got one pair non-hightops (red) and 3 hightops – 1 a Hawaiian-shirt type print, 1 a black shoe with the Superman logo on the heel, one acid washed pink. I might not keep any of them (at most I’ll keep one) – but they will be here Tuesday and we’ll see.

Speaking of my bff’s at Girls Gone WOD, they’ve gotta think I’m a total stalker. Hopefully my “oh wow I love you, I … shiny penny!” personality will kick in soon and I”ll be less of a stalker. Also being scared is part of all that nonsense.

I’m not supposed to say I’m “scared” – I just remembered that. Per my Mom, I’m “excited.” OK I’m going to have “excited” runs tomorrow morning likely (TMI?) – but . . . OK I’m going to go. I paid.


PS: OK I’m back from my walk and in my obsessive fashion, listened to the GGW “Anxiety-cast” about them both having panic attacks FOUR times through. One of the girls has “restricted breathing” panic attacks, the other, crying jags. Oh joy, I have both (I was always an overachiever). So I have done what I PROMISED not to do, and posted on their Facebook page (AGAIN! Oh lord someone really is going to call the stalker police) basically saying “Pray for me at 9:00 pst tomorrow morning.”

Off to the New Moon thing.